Plasma Pool

2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin

Let’s get one thing straight here: I’m a rich white heterosexual male from a rich white part of town, so when I say that I’m a liberal, I don’t mean that I like to hug trees or feed the homeless or read the Koran in my spare time or make out with crossdressers. (I like all those activities in theory, but liberals like a bunch of things in theory, because we tend to actually understand what the term “theory” means.) No, I mostly hang out with my fellow rich white (or whitewashed) friends, typing away my Apple computer if I’m not debating movies and TV shows geared towards rich white folk on my iPhone and generally biding time until my trust fund opens up and I get to squander five generations’ worth of post-immigrant work on new versions of Xbox and vast quantities of drugs.

I know full well that I am a parasite, and so, whenever it comes time to vote, I vote without fail against my own best interest. Nearly every political belief I hold is geared towards helping poor uneducated morons—some of them minorities and many of those illegally breathing air in my country—who take money from me and my forebears in service to their own life. I vote for candidates who will take money out of my bank account and give it to red-blooded working men an women who actually deserve it. This is masochistic and self-hating, but my only other option is to leverage my family’s influence into a cushy six-figure banking job, donate vast amounts of money to conservative machine politics, invest heavily in the military-industrial complex, and generally do everything I can to bureaucratically daterape poor idiots in every conceivable way possible.

Because that is pretty much what the conservative machine does now. It daterapes people. It acts all nice and cute, says, “Don’t worry, there’s no conceivable way that I’ll end up fucking you,” and then you wake up the next morning with your ass bleeding and your mouth tasting like phlegmy cum (note: those two metaphors are interchangeably meant to represent losing a son in Iraq and losing your job to an Indian dude), and there’s the conservative machine buckling its pants and saying, “It was your fault,” and then you feel so embarrassed that you don’t tell anyone and go on a few dates with the nice liberal machine, until one night you go out on the town and there’s the conservative machine and he says he’s changed, so, maybe a little reluctantly, you hang out with him again. Guess what happens? Bleeding asses and cummy mouths, that’s what happens.

If American conservatives are guilty of daterape, then American liberals are guilty of blueballing of the highest order. Essentially, to be a liberal in the current situation, you have two choices:

(1) support the Democrats, whose whole method of being is to do absolutely nothing and then every four years proudly point out that they haven’t done anything wrong (they’ve been doing this for eight years now); or

(2) support a third party who actually reflects your political philosophy and have absolutely no discernible effect on anything in the mainstream political scene whatsoever.

You either play the game, never get off the bench, and end up losing; or you don’t play the game at all and get beaten up by the winning team. Sarah Palin, who may yet still be our first girl president, has given us a third option: jack off under the bleachers.

Diane Keaton (c. 1977)

Everyone I know¹ completely and justly despises Palin. Yet she could prove a transformational figure at least partially through a unique appeal to the left. She is essentially a character from a Wes Anderson movie, right down to her nerd-cute glasses, her ability to turn teen pregnancy into a sweet G-rated success story, and her redoubtable Alaska-ness. Nothing is more eccentric in theory than Alaska, just as nothing is more brutal in actuality than Alaska. Fortunately for Palin, not a single article written about her has said much about the actual Alaska. What has been written could just as easily be about Narnia.

This is the real reason that she is a succubus for American liberals. We could deal with a pro-life, pro-oil, pro-war, pro-God wack-stupid Governor when he was from a rich political dynasty, but when it’s a she and she comes from Middle-earth and is insatiably proud of her own faults, she’s like the no-bullshit dream girl of our Woody Allen fantasies. Everyone compares her to Tina Fey; the better comparison is to Diane Keaton. Sarah Palin is turning the middle American dumbasserazzi on to the hotly nerdish girl, thirty years later; and, in the process, she’s getting liberal America wet and hard.

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1. Despite my entrenchment in rich white heterosexual privilege, I actually know several non-white homosexuals. You can imagine what they think of Palin.